Okay, so I’ve calmed down a bit from yesterday. The change in weather really did a number on me. It dawned on me how much time had passed.
I’m doing what I can and trying not to freak about what’s out of my control. I made a few emails, hit up a couple of job postings, organized my finances.
Then I realized that I hadn’t interacted with a single person all day. Okay, maybe there was a random one or two line chat with someone on gmail or IM, but that’s it. None of my many roommates have been around. (Not necessarily a bad thing.)
I’m trying to stay positive. Autumn should be a chance to reset a few habits and pick up a few forgotten ones. I should go to Strand and find a few new books. And hit up the museums in the city, which I haven’t done much of.
Incredibly, I’ve already had to break out a few jackets and warmer socks. I’m such a wuss when it comes to cold weather. But I’m a skinny person. I don’t have an ounce of insulating fat on my body. I don’t say that to boast. It sucks sometimes.
Daily Panic Level: High but under control
Financial Outlook: Bleak but under control
Job Scorecard (Interviews – Freelance Work – Freelance Busts): 5 – 2 – 18
Last Night’s Meal: Roast duck with bok choy
I was walking down the street this morning and noticed that a group of pigeons were huddled around a scattering of bits of bacon. Who thinks to cook bacon, rip them into tiny pieces and feed the birds with them? Why bacon? Well, I know why bacon, because it’s the tastiest food in the world. To humans. Why feed a pigeon an animal that’s a hundred times larger itself, which is a meal that it pretty much won’t ever be able to get again?
This is what’s going on in my head as I walk down the street. It’s probably why I’m always oblivious to friends seeing me on the street. I’m always the last to notice a person, even if he or she is directly in front of me waving. When I do finally see the friend, my reaction is usually one of shock and confusion.
I spent some time in Manhattan today. I hit up Strand bookstore and bought A Little History of the World. I’ve been feeling not so smart or cultured lately so this is my attempt to rectify that situation. Honestly, the main reason to go into the city was to eat Chipotle. When I was working, it was a weekly ritual; one I haven’t practiced in so long that it became a driving force all week. And it didn’t disappoint.
I dedicated the rest of today to playing around with my own person design projects. I haven’t done any “fun” design work in a while so it was therapeutic. Mostly due to my soul-crushing job, but I haven’t had much passion for design in a while. It’s a sore spot, especially when my roommates talk incessantly about design. I wish I was as obsessed with it, but while I have a deep interest for design, there’s always a point where it stops and my other/non-work life takes place. I cherish my free time and usually don’t think about design then. Which probably hurts me professionally since I’m never as driven as others.
Daily Panic Level: I’m getting lulled into routine and need to light a fire under my ass again
Financial Outlook: Trying to be good
Job Scorecard (Interviews – Freelance Work – Freelance Busts): 3 – 1 – 10
Last Night’s Meal: Dried pork and congee (I call it the Poor Chinese Man’s Meal)
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1 Year Flashback
Banality.
Today was one of those dreaded days where I got nothing done. The day drifted past without me realizing. I got up, ran errands and did some cleaning but nothing productive as far as the job.
I have one freelance project for a friend’s upstart acting studio, so it’s not paying much, but it’s something to get me going. She picked the identity design that I favored so that’s good news. There are minor edits and feedback so it’s not too much work, but I’ve been procrastinating for some reason.
Speaking of procrastinating, my friend Anna has an idea for a business that she’s shared with me and I’ve been putting off my role in it for weeks. I should be ecstatic for the chance to do this stuff, but for some reason I’ve been balking at the act of summoning up my long dormant art abilities. I think there’s a fear of it having been so long that my art skills have gone to shit.
So I wound up in Manhattan running errands, which I realized is a gift of all my sudden free time. Previously, I’ve only been able to do the necessary chores on the precious weekends or during lunch. I used to have to dedicate a lunch hour to the post office because there would never be another time to do so. It’s amazing to realize how much of your time isn’t yours. You spend all day every week sitting in a place you don’t want to be, surrounded by people you didn’t chose. When put in those words, working seems ridiculous. It’s incredible how many of my friends (and myself too) put up with shitty jobs for so long. Of course the solution is to find a job you like and do what you want to do. And that’s what I need to use this time to work towards. The problem is that I’m inherently lazy, I’m not a natural entrepreneur, and I’m not inventive.
I also finished reading The Bronx is Burning. I grabbed it off the shelf of the house I was staying at in Chesapeake Bay and only got through half of it by the end of the weekend. It was surprisingly enthralling so I decided to purchase the book and finish it. Initially expecting it to just be about the politics and drama of the 70′s Yankees, I was taken aback by how the author wove the backdrop of context of New York into the story. The book was as much about the Mayoral race, the chase after Son of Sam, the power outage, and the ensuing looting and chaos. It was fascinating to imagine a much different portrayal of the city I’ve come to know. Areas that I’ve ridden past on my bike or where friends now live were once set ablaze and looted by rioting crowds.
I still have a sense of wonder and fascination about New York, even after living here for several years. There’s no doubt I picked this book out of the pile because it was New York-centric. Even riding down the FDR one recent evening and once the Empire State Building came into view, I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. There’s still a mystique here that gets me.
Daily Panic Level: Not high enough
Financial Outlook: Feeling poor
Job Scorecard (Interviews – Freelance Work – Freelance Busts): 1 – 1 – 3
Last Night’s Meal: Garlic and soy marinated pork over rice
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1 Year Flashback
I had a morning interview at the Brooklyn Museum for an in-house designer. The position was lower than I wanted but the chance to get out of my company was too much to pass up. Plus, I always wanted to work for an art institution. Doing design for the MoMA or the Met would be a dream, and this seemed like a good stepping stone. The problem that I found (and keep finding) is that the type of jobs I want are never able to pay me enough. You’d think hallowed institutions would have the money to attract top talent but that never seems to be the case. They can ride out on name recognition and skimp on the people who want to be there. It’s frustrating.
It was nice to get a good reception from the interviewer about my work, but depressing to think that even one year ago I was already looking for a way out of my company to no avail.
